90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
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As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
[5 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[8 PM]
Me: Put your homework in your backpack.
Child: I know.[Next morning, 6 AM]
Me: Did you put your homework in your backpack? Child: I will.[8 AM]
Text from child at school: you won’t believe this
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
mcdonalds should have a completely soft meal you can eat while sneaking past guards
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Wolves are just dogs that nobody has called a “good boy” yet.
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
every olympics i turn into this guy
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.