How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
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boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.