This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
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Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing
me: oh *declines it* thank you
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon