The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
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Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I got bills
They’re multiplying
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs