If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
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Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I found your tweet-up…
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
Admin smashed it 😂
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them