Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
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If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.