At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
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VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
yes yes a thousand times yes!
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.