Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
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When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call