[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
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Noah was an idiot.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever