Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Finally, an instrument I can play!
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
Life cycle of cat
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over