Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.