if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
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My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
“A little help here, Danny?”
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it