Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
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My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Pringles
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.