therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
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*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls