[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
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Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Sign at work today
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts