video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
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Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
How to find Kentucky on a map
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Me ( handing a student a work packet mom requested): So where are you going next week?
6yo: Mario World
Me: Oh, I’ve never been there before.
6yo: Yeah, but we don’t have room in the car.
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
yes, those are my real potatoes.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.