Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
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God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Cat.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.