COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
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FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
If I could rearrange the alphabet I would put U & I and your hot friend Amber together.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.