hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
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Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”