It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
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there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I didn’t realize that was an option
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins