Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.