Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?