Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
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Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[Job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Who closes the door when the bus driver gets off the bus?
Interviewer: Holy shit
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago