What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
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CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year