I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
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“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
my astrological sign is a french fry
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Notice Dave Grohl is trending…..quickly check to make sure he’s not dead……then realize his wife will take care of that part
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!