Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
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CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
It’s sickening that I’ve paid thousands for a college education, yet was never taught what to say when someone knocks on the bathroom stall
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.