Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
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coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
me: AAAAAA SPIDER, KILL IT KILL IT
wife: [destroys spider’s confidence and self worth until it throws itself into traffic]
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.