You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
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[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.