Saw online –
You Might Also Like
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-
Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.
5:
Me:
5: How much blood?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
that colleague who touches your screen
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.