An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
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Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit