My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
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debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Husband: You’re not present or that interested in what I have to say.
Me: I know, right?
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”