Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
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Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
A great tip. #CakeRex