Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
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My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Who knew!
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.