Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
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If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
I have a black belt in leather
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.