You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
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drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
*sets the mood with candlelight, flowers and the pepto bismol jingle
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
just witnessed a drug deal
Reading tweets about the demise of cursive and remembered a man born in 1911 who printed in tiny capitals instead of cursive. He worked for a corporation. I wish I had asked him about it.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”