Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
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If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
☠️☠️☠️
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…