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CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭