if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Everyone’s family
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.