The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
You Might Also Like
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
Great game to play with friends
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.