*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
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my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I’ve had worse
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
you have three unread messages
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”