Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
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Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~