My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
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oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
what it’s like dating me:
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Sighing loudly at a Hogwarts meeting and saying, “This could have been an owl.”