The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
You Might Also Like
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
Pretty rude to eat a salad in front of your houseplants
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I’m an aggressive flirter and it scared a lot of people off because they wanted me to hide and peek through my fingers when they said they liked me.
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item