*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
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[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
The police never think its as funny as you do.