It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
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“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Happy thanksgiving
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.