[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
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I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”