If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Did I do this right
kids play hide and seek like
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.