GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
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Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor