coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
You Might Also Like
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
The glockness monster
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
I feel attacked.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*