What personal space?
My dog
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Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
I am HOWLING at this
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”