If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
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When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
we all know this pain all too well
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people